Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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