They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
