yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My feet surprised me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize