I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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