Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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