He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize