I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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