The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize