You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
