Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
