Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
