He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
