You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
