I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize