I am puke
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
