someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
