Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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