The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
