i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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