I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
