my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
