i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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