I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
