I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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