my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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