So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
