I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
