I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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