Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
