she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
