I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
