here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize