No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
