Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
