Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
