She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
