It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
