That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
