I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
