No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize