I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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