just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
