Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
