After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
