I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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