my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
