got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
