Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
