the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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