none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
