oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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