Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
