your parents love me but you hate me
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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