Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
