someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
