you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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