I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i think im in europe. pls send help
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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