Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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