And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
