im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
