It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
