I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just gargled with NyQuil
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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