god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
